I’ve been thinking about where I want to go. Who is the person I want to be? Craig Mod comes to mind.
I’m not even sure what he does or how to describe him. To list off a few interesting things, he:
Wrote a book about kissaten — mid-twentieth century Japanese cafes.
Walked on foot across Japan
Writes and does photography - I’d call him a professional noticer
His life is a mish-mash of his interests and curiosities, and I’m like, why can’t that be my life? I’ve spent most of my 23 years on earth in Springvale, a suburb in Melbourne. To me, it’s where my childhood lies. My parents run a jewellery shop in the suburbs. When we were children, my dad who is a goldsmith, would mark the heights of my sisters and I on a safe inside the shop. I wear a ring with me now. I’m proud of who my parents are. And wearing that ring is like bringing a piece of them with me.
Seeing people like Craig makes me think that there’s more outside of this bubble I’ve spent most of my life in. And I want to do the same because that to me is living. To fall into the fullness of each moment. To know that we really are made of stardust. To look up into the sky and know we have a friend in the stars. I want to make space for possibility. To dream and wonder, and give my thoughts the room to coalesce and take shape. To think about where I could be and give myself permission to be that.
What I’m saying is, I want to allow myself to try. Because I think it will be a shame and I will probably hate myself for not giving things my all. To run with whatever dreams I have. To believe that the things I do matter, only because they matter to me.
quotes from this week
And of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation, and that always seems fraught with dander. But my daughter, when I told her of our topic and my difficulty with it, said, “Tell them about how you’re never really a whole person if you remain silent, becauase there’s always that one little piece inside of you that wants to be spoken out, and if you keep ignoring it, it gets madder and madder and hotter and hotter, and if you don’t speak it out one day it will just up and punch you in the mouth from the inside.
from the essay, The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action by Audre Lorde
For all the happiness and pride I felt there and then, though, I was without anyone to share it. I was 22, and my family were on the other side of the world. Anybody who is reading this, let this be my greatest lesson to you. My gratitude in that moment is impossible to express. But so, too, was the power of the realization that nothing means anything in this life without love around you.
from The Ninth Life of a Diamond Miner: A Memoir by Grace Tame
Until next week (or the next :D)
Evan
Hi Evan,
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. I really resonate with the second quote having lived across the world from my family and best friends from school and childhood (I moved to the US for university after I finished high school)
I would also second the power of action and speaking out as someone who tend to be more reserved and private with my thoughts. I have been actively trying to speak my mind often :)
super beautiful piece, evan. the second last paragraph really spoke to me! your writing inspires me.