on writing

#5

I started this blog last year with the intention to write. Since then I’ve written a bunch of drafts, but never got to the end of them.

Sometimes I think that my writing is horrible. That everything that comes out, every word, is just horrible and that I should stop writing. Sometimes I think what I have to say is not worth sharing. At the bottom of all this is an undercurrent of shame. That I might reveal too much or share too much, and people will judge me for it. It’s probably my biggest fear in writing - thinking that I’m sharing too much. It’s funny, because I think the only way to get through shame is to talk about it. Every time I feel I’m getting too deep, too honest, there’s a flinch. I doubt if it’s what I mean, and back it goes into the dusty drawer where I keep my drafts.

Writing is a space where I can be honest with myself. For some reason, that means a lot. I think it’s because I spend so much time living in a way I think I should be living. And by writing I come back to myself. But finding space where I feel safe enough to express my feelings has been hard. I’ve been 4 different therapists and the first two utterly sucked. It’s taken some figuring out, but I can say that therapy and writing are my safe spaces. There’s also people in my life that I’m lucky to have that can provide that space too.

For some reason too, I can’t help but feel sad that I have spaces to say what I mean without feeling judged. Sometimes the judgement isn’t so much from others than myself. Anyways, maybe it’s tears of joy? I just know that when I feel, it’s a sign that I’m tapping a place that’s true; to what I think and feel.

Part of me is thinking I’m sharing too much here (oh no, i’m talking about my feelings 🚨). I’m taking this one step at a time. I’m not sure where I want to go with this blog. I’d like to get to a place where I’m a bit more comfortable expressing my thoughts. To find my voice. And I won’t get there without trying.

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some quotes to share

below are some quotes that’ve resonated with me this past week

Just Asking: Valerie Jarrett on giving bad advice, shyness, and the value of loyalty

A little-known fact is that I started my life and well into adulthood, very shy. Painfully shy, I would call it. And I often share this, particularly with young people, because it’s something I really had to work hard to overcome. And for all the shy people out there I say, you, too, can overcome it. But it took a lot of hard work on my part, and I discovered along the way that just because you’re nervous and you have butterflies in your stomach doesn’t mean that it has to show. My point in sharing it with you is that part of life is pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. And if you’re going to grow you have to learn how to take on new challenges that you might not be good at. - Valerie Jarrett

Interview #201: Mimi Kwa

In response to the following question:

“One of the lines that has stayed with me—‘Sometimes the days preceding our time on earth say more about us than the days we are here’—made me think of the influence of our parents and forebears and how this can push against our personal desires and dreams. How can we learn to face our past and family without being bound by them?”

The simple answer is through a willingness to learn in order to understand and accept so that we may forgive and eventually arrive at gratitude. For me the revelation has been that it is up to me and me alone to break harmful cycles from my ancestral past, in my present. I realise that this process is not instantaneous—immense healing is required in many families and in many individuals, in order to live a fulfilled and meaningful life free of shame, guilt, insecurity and loneliness. Recognising that intergenerational trauma is a real thing, and that our forebears walk with us every day, was pivotal to me in the sense of realising that we are all finding our way—as we accumulate thousands of years and layers of ancestral, cultural and societal beliefs and behaviours. We are the result of this but not the end result, because history draws through us, reaches through us and the interconnection between past, present and future means we play an inextricable part in resolving the past by healing in order to herald a better future. I have faced my past and that of my parents and ancestors and have expressed that confrontation through writing in order to set that past free. There is a fine line between [finding] this release and losing connection with one’s family—it takes mindful reflection to maintain bonds without being bound. Your question is so excellent I could talk about it much more! - Mimi Kwa

Until next week,

Evan